I am still going

I woke up this morning from texts from my sisters. My dad called, then my best friend Jade. They all had one question: “Are you still going?”

“What?” I responded, “what are you talking about?”

“There was a terrorist attack in Kenya, 147 killed.”

My heart sank. Tears formed in my eyes. So many questions raced through my head. Where was the attack? Who did it? ARE MY KIDS OKAY? I quickly grabbed my computer and googled “terrorist attack in Kenya”, a search term I dreaded typing with every keystroke. My heart pounded as I considered all the possibilities.  The thought of terrorism was hitting more close to home. I quickly scanned through the articles looking for anything familiar. I mapped out the distance from the attack to the school I’m planning to move to. I looked for any familiar names or faces. Those faces I did not recognize, but my heart still ached for a people I consider my own.

Three years ago, I made my first trek to Kenya, 1 year ago I went again, and 5 months ago I decided to move there. Unbothered by the threat of disease, unmoved by the “potential” risk of terrorism. Unfazed by the distance from home, the limited internet, and the lack of modern conveniences. My resolve never changed: “I’m moving to Kenya. My heart is already there.” It had become an automatic response anytime anyone questioned my move or my motives. The Lord is calling me there, surely I can face any of these “risks.” Surely, right?

This morning my resolve was shaken. My once automatic response replaced with an unsteady unsureness. My faith tested. “Am I really brave enough?” I asked myself.

The articles I’ve read about the attack say they separated the Christians from the Muslims, then executed all the Christians. These young students gathered for morning prayer and killed for their faith, for their belief in the one true King, killed for their devotion to the Father. Could I be that brave?

Probably not. But thankfully I don’t have to rely on my strength and courage. As Paul wrote, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Dying is not the end, it’s the beginning of eternity. To be sure, I am filled with fear at the thought of moving to a country privy to terrorist attacks, but am I still going? Yes, I am still going. Of course, I am still going. Aren’t my kids still there? Is not my heart already there? Have I not been praying for this move?

Putting my life on the line for Christ just got more real for me. But isn’t that the way it should be. Shouldn’t believers of Christ be considered the crazy ones, the bold ones, the daring ones? My prayers aren’t that the Lord would keep me safe and comfortable while I am there, but that I would be poured out for Him and be used to spread His message and give Him glory. I’ll let Him figure out the rest.

“Kristen, did you hear what happened? Are you still going?”

“Yes, I am still going.”

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“Love all”

In the sport of tennis, “love” means zero. Each game begins with the phrase “love all” to indicate that both players have zero points. Over the years and through my experience, the term “love all” has truly come to embody the sport of tennis in my life. At a very early age, my dad put a tennis racquet in my hand at our local YMCA tennis courts. From my first swing, I fell in love. Though very shy and reserved off the court, on the tennis court I came alive; I was aggressive and fiercely competitive. Often I would be far behind my competitor, but I would slowly inch my way back into the match until I had eventually claimed the match. My parents coined me the “comeback kid”. Tennis gave me a playground, a classroom, a platform to be unafraid, to show tenacity, to fight, to stand my ground and to love.

When I was 12, one of the local tennis pros gave me my first job. Twice a week, I helped her teach tennis classes to other kids. Most of them were older and bigger than me, but I’d proudly demonstrate a stroke or step in and correct their grip. I loved being able to use my tennis skills to help others. I loved being able to relate to other kids through a sport I cherished. Every summer for 16 years, I returned to the courts to teach at a summer camp. This was often my favorite time of the year, from teaching new techniques to water balloon relays to competitive games with the other counselors, nothing could better sum up those summer days than love. I loved the students, the games, the counselors, I loved being able to work with my dad and my little sister. I loved being hot and sweaty and exhausted and running inside for a popsicle treat with smiling, happy campers. I loved being a teenager but running a camp with 100s of kids, a staff of fellow teenagers, and being solely in charge and responsible. I loved pouring myself tirelessly into improving my camp and the experience for the kids.

I didn’t realize it when I was younger, but later I began to feel that tennis was my calling, and I was gifted in teaching tennis for a reason. I’d find that reason 8,000 miles away on a dirt court in Nairobi, Kenya. The first time I went to Kenya, I didn’t know what to expect. I wasn’t even exactly sure why I was going. But I heard The Lord calling me, and I knew I couldn’t ignore His call. That was a life-changing experience. I saw kids playing tennis with wooden paddles but smiling from ear to ear. I saw kids with tennis shoes with gaping holes but sprinting across the court. I saw kids with worn clothes but laughing nonstop. I fell in love with those kids, with that place, with a sport that gave me so much giving them so much more. I returned to Kenya again this past fall, and upon arriving I knew I was home.

Tennis has been my outlet, my haven, my constant for much of my life. Whenever I felt down, my dad would take me on the tennis court and before the match was over I’d forget my troubles and be smiling. Tennis has been a way for me to love others. From my many teammates to my students to the girls in Kenya, I have had the opportunity to meet so many people through this sport. While “love” may mean zero in tennis, it has been so full for me. And now I have the chance to pay it forward. As I make preparations for my move to Kenya, my heart leaps with joy when I think of how God has orchestrated this. From the cracked courts at the YMCA to the makeshift courts in a slum in Kenya, The Lord’s hand has been guiding me along.  It’s sometimes incomprehensible that He would choose to use me to spread His gospel through tennis. I might not understand it, but I fully accept it.

Each game in tennis begins with “love all”, and that’s exactly what I plan on doing: loving all through a sport that has loved me, blessed me, taught me, employed me, shaped me and given me purpose.

Life with retina

Over Christmas break, I got a new Mac laptop. When debating between models, I couldn’t decide if it was worth it to spend the extra couple of hundred dollars for the “retina” display. I am not a big gamer, and I am an amateur photographer at best, so I couldn’t justify spending extra money on just a better display. Ultimately, I ended up getting the retina model because it was slightly lighter and it had hdmi hookups. When I first started using the computer, I noticed that the picture quality was better but nothing really to brag about. Then it happened. I started importing all of my photos from my iPhone library. As the photos imported, each flashed on the screen for a split second, all of the colors bursting, the scenes expanded and the details magnified. As my pictures from the Grand Canyon to the Pacific Ocean to a tropical rainforest flashed on the screen, I saw these scenes as I never had before and tears flooded my eyes. Before then, I had only seen these pictures from the view of my phone screen: smaller, filtered through my screen protector. Limited. It wasn’t until the pictures were seen on the retina display that I saw them in all their true beauty and glory. Colorful. Full. Bright. Detailed. Enhanced. Enlarged. Enriched. Clear.

That is life with Jesus. Before Jesus everything is smaller, darker, lifeless. With God, everything is brighter and clearer. After looking at my pictures on my new fancy retina display, I cannot go back to merely cataloging my shots on my smaller phone screen. I need them to come alive on my retina display. After seeing the fullness of life with Christ, I cannot settle for the dullness and emptiness of life without Him. After knowing infinite joy and peace, I cannot re-enter the world of hopelessness and despair. After seeing the beauty of God’s grace, I cannot succumb to the temptation of life without Christ.

When Christ entered my heart, I was given “retina” vision for life. Through all the chaos and confusion of living, God makes all things clear according to His divine will and purposes. That’s life with retina. And I never want to be limited again by anything less than the clarity that comes with living for Christ.

Journey to 30…

365 days ago, it hit me that I was about to be be 30. Me, 30 years old! I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around the fact I was about to hit such a huge milestone in my life. I didn’t feel 30. My life didn’t seem to have all the pieces together that a 30-year-old would. I felt incomplete and not ready to be a “real adult”. After spending some time in prayer, I realized that God has me exactly where he wants me to be. I have all I need right now. And I am all I need to be right now. How refreshing to know that I don’t have to strive after earthly goals and ambitions. I just get to live. Live in the moment and live for the moment. So I set out on this journey. A journey of 30 things I wanted to accomplish before I turned 30. Now, I didn’t reach every item on the list like #9 Read 30 books or #22 eat clean for 30 days. But I lived, and the results were amazing. I have seen more, done more, read more, wrote more, prayed more, laughed more, cried more, lived more than I have in any other year of my life. Here are some highlights from my journey to 30:

#17 Surfing lessons in California

 

Now I don’t think that I come across as the surfer type. I’m not chiseled with a beach babe body, with long blond hair. But I LOVE the ocean. Let me repeat that for emphasis, I LOVE the ocean. From playing in the waves to sitting in the sand and listening to the waves crash on the shore, I am in total awe of the beauty God created in oceans. So I decided what better way to experience this creation, other than tackling those waves on a surfboard. So in April, my friend Jade and I set out on a West Coast expedition, and our first stop was San Diego’s Mission Beach. There, we first learned how to stand on the board on the sand, then we progressed to the real waves. Wave after wave, I tried to get up on my two feet. And wave after wave, I flopped, crashed, wiped out, toppled over, even managing to break my little finger. As the lesson was drawing near to a close, I mustered all the energy I had left, and with the final wave I managed to stand on the surfboard and ride the wave. What a feeling! In that moment, I was so consumed with the beauty and power of the waves that I had no room for worries or problems. In that moment, God used the rushing waves to remind me of his power and sovereignty.

#10 Be amazed

As our West Coast trip continued, we traveled from San Diego to LA and from LA to Las Vegas and from Vegas to the Grand Canyon. It was at the Grand Canyon that I accomplished #10 on my list Be amazed. Have you ever seen something so beautiful that you felt like were viewing God himself? That’s the feeling I received peering into the beauty and depth of the Grand Canyon. As I stood on the edge, I observed all the colors of the rocks and imagined God, the creator, carefully painting each rock and each crevice. That place is truly awe-inspiring.

#1 Complete a triathlon

This year I completed my first sprint triathlon. For me this was a huge feat and I entered the day with anxiety mixed with excitement and a sprinkling of sheer fear. individually the components didn’t frighten me; I have enjoyed swimming since I was very young and have never had any fear when it comes to water; when it came to biking I was felt very at ease at the thought of rolling casually 12 miles in the flat delta; and my thinking around the running was at least I could walk if I got tired. When tried to comprehend all three of these activities together, coupled with my months of inconsistent training and moments of lack of motivation, the night before the triathlon I was a nervous wreck. I tried to calm myself with my normal techniques, deep breathing, thinking of oceans, dinner with my mom and sisters, praying, but nothing worked I couldn’t catch my breath and I was drowning and I hadn’t even entered the lake yet. However, I was able to dig deeply into my second and often third wind to finish, and it was one of the most rewarding moments of my life. I just keep thinking about Philippians 3:14 “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” And press on I did, until I reached that finish line

#7 Give something meaningful to someone

This past July, my beloved Grandma Kizzie passed away. She was truly one of my favorite people. During her life, she imparted so much wisdom to me and poured me with unconditional love. At her memorial service, one of my aunts asked if I would be willing to say a few words about her life at the service. For anyone that knows me, they know that I am terrified of public speaking. However, I mustered all my strength and resolve and gave her a fitting tribute. There is not much that I could give my Grandma Kizzie that she didn’t already have. She was a women of valor, of love, of faith, of charisma, of courage. She lived a life, I would be lucky to emulate. And in those few words I spoke at her service, I thanked her for being my grandmother and the impact she had on my life.

#3 Get a new stamp in passport

So in October en route to Africa, I had layovers in Amsterdam and London, thereby accomplishing number three on my list: “Get a new stamp in passport.”

#8 Run a race

This may be my favorite and most surprising things on my list. When I initially thought of completing a race, I was thinking about a 5k or half marathon, little did I know the race would occur across the globe on a tennis court. In October, when I was volunteering and teaching tennis in Kenya one day after practice, I had the girls running suicides for fitness. They were getting exhausted, but I kept pushing them to keep going. Finally they were all leaning over, every ounce of energy drained from the bodies. I knew they could go one more time, they just needed the extra motivation. Which of course was making it a foot race against “coach”. We raced and ran and laughed and raced some more until we were wiped, but I was full. Full of so much joy!

#4 Fall in love (object to be determined)

Alas, the tricky one! I would love to say that in the past twelve months I met a great guy, fell in love, and on my way to the wedding chapel. But that’s not how this story goes, even better I fell more in love with Jesus and the person he created me to be. I have found my passions and gifts. I have found a joy unspeakable. I have been blessed enough to have formed new friendships through church, bible study, prayer group. I have loved every minute of the past year. Though it was difficult at times, God has always been faithful, and I trust Him wholeheartedly with my life and my future. I am head over heels in love with my creator and my sustainer. I love Jesus, and I am falling more in love with me every day.

 So what’s left?

#30 Have a magical birthday

And what I have realized is the magic is not in the action, it’s in the love shared by family and friends. The gift of grace and forgiveness from God make every day a magical miracle. My birthday will be magical because I believe in The Lord, and his mercies are new every morning. Whatever circumstances I may face, God is good, and He is loving and kind. I don’t know how I will actually spend my birthday, but I can guarantee you it will begin in thanks to God for all he has done, and all he will continue doing in my life. My journey to 30 has been amazing, and am I ready to hit 30 now? Absolutely! Bring on the candles! Let’s see what this new year, decade, season has to offer. To God be the glory, forever. Amen.

The Wall

Earlier this week, on our company retreat, we went rock climbing for a team building activity.  Now, I love physical activities and challenges, but I have a terrible, crippling fear of heights. As soon as we arrived at the facility, and I looked at the height of the walls, I told myself there was no way I was going to climb that high.

However, my competitive drive kicked in, and I wasn’t going to not try. So I tried. I climbed half way up the wall and froze in fear. I could physically go higher, but my mind told me that I could not. I panicked, not able to go any higher I came down. Dejected at my inability to keep going higher, I was frustrated and disappointed.

About 15 minutes later, I pep talked myself into going again. I knew I could do it. I knew I had the strength, I just needed to push myself higher. I had to trust in the harness and the rope. I had to believe that I wasn’t going to fall. I had to have faith that I could go higher.

So I got strapped into the harness and began to climb again. The first few steps were easy. I breezed through the lower part of the wall. Then, just like it happened the time before, I got to the same point, and I froze. Crippled in fear, I was stuck midway on the wall. My legs and arms began to shake, I looked down and panicked. I could not go any higher on this wall. Then, below me, all of my teammates began to cheer me on, encouraging me to keep going higher. There words were nice, but ultimately I needed to silence the voice in my head that told me I could not. I had to listen to the still small voice in my soul that told me I could. I let that voice be my guide as I took step by step, until I reached the very top. Higher than I thought I could go, but not higher than I could go.

That wall is life. I know sometimes I get stuck in a place, crippled by fear, scared to keep going, losing faith, looking backwards, and ultimately giving up. But God never intended us to be stuck. By His strength we can keep going, keep climbing, keep moving, and go higher, longer, further than we ever imagined or thought. When I came down from the wall, all of my teammates rushed me with hugs and high fives. My boss even told me to tap into whatever force led me to the wall the second time. That force, that will, that determination comes from the Lord, and I pray that I can listen to His voice when he whispers, “keep going higher, my rope will guide you, my harness will catch you, my love will never leave you, you will not FALL.”

HE. Came.

Silent.

Dark.

Quiet.

Waiting.

---

Boom.

Bang.

Crash.

Everything changed in one moment.

HE CAME.

Unassuming.

Unnoticed.

King of the universe wrapped in swaddling clothing.

Holder of the world. Held as in infant.

Creator of the universe. Walking among the created.

Jesus came that we may have life. He came not with a loud uproar, but in silence in a manger, in a small town. There was not buzz about his arrival. The tabloid headlines didn’t shout of his birth like the royal baby. But yet he came, to a teenage girl and a carpenter.

He came. He came.

What’s more? He came to die.

He lived a life we couldn’t live and died a death we all deserved.

He came. The wise men knew. They brought gifts. The prophets had spoken of his coming. The people were waiting. Then, he came.

Yet, they rejected him. Mocked him. Beat him. Killed him.

But, he came. He came for me. He came for you. He came for my friends and family. He came for my enemies. He came for Mother Teresa. He came for Hitler. He came to save humanity. He came to give us life. He came to tear down the walls. He came to give us hope, peace, joy, comfort, love, patience. He came.

One night, in the midst of the darkness, in the midst of pain, suffering, hopelessness, he came. Silently, quietly, as just a mere infant, he came. An eternal light shining, he came. A light for the world, he came. A light for me in my darkest moments, he came. A light for all to see, he came.

And did I mention, he’s coming back.

“The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine.” Isaiah 9:2

One Journey- -Two Years

God is eternal. He has no time, no beginning, and no ending. He has lived all of our yesterdays and all of our tomorrows. His story is better than the finest book crafted by the finest author. This is what happens when God is the author— all of His glory and redemptive power on full display. How can I know that God has lived all of my days? Well because what was two years in my life, was just a blink in Eternity.

I don’t even know where to begin. I guess it started two years ago when I heard God calling me to Kenya. I answered his call. I didn’t share the gospel. I didn’t talk about God. I formed relationships.

It was then that I met Elizabeth and her brother Charles. After some warming up, they welcomed me in their home in the Kibera slums. Though just a few cardboard boxes stitched together, it was their home and they were proud of every inch of it. My first Sunday back, I saw Elizabeth again, the tall, lanky, shy teenage girl. She briefly smiled and waved and continued to go on her way. Her brother, on the other hand, being polar opposites, greeted me excitedly when he saw me, recalling our last meeting together. Charles proudly shared that he and his sister now lived at Sadili, and his mom had a job working at the pool. It was as if two years had not passed between our last meeting.

I wanted badly for the same with Elizabeth, but I knew I couldn’t rush it. I knew she’d have to open to me again, to trust me again, to believe in me again. Well after a few brief interactions, the spark was ignited. She opened up like a gift on Christmas morning. Then, just like that, I was standing after dinner talking about the gospel to a group of about 8 girls and 2 boys. Enamored, they clung to my every word, asking questions, and then it was Elizabeth, shy Elizabeth that said “tomorrow, we will meet again.” Yes, tomorrow we can meet again, I thought, it’s just too few tomorrows. But God has no limits.

 

Married to Jesus

Sitting at dinner with the girls, we jokingly said who was dating whom, and which girl had a crush on which guy. They kind of talk that makes girls giggle and blush. Then, one of them asked me about my boyfriend. And I said that I didn’t have one. Elizabeth’s brother, Charles, who had migrated over to the table at this point, asked pretty seriously, “well why not?” After thinking for a minute, I knew I had two options: I could continue the lighthearted joking conversation or I could speak the truth and share the good news of Jesus Christ. I chose the latter.

“Well, God hasn’t chosen anyone for me yet, so I’m married to Jesus until he gives me a husband,” I began, “And he’s the best husband because he’s good and kind.”  Elizabeth beamed, “I like that…I like that a lot”

At this point, I noticed that I had garnered quite the gathering, and I was standing up. This outside eating area, built on a garbage site, with all reused and recycled material had become my pulpit and these kids my congregation. They asked me about dating, and church, and relationships. Two Muslims girls sat listening electrified. At one point I was interrupted, and they all said what were you saying about Jesus. When they departed, a few of the kids asked if we could talk more tomorrow. And I smiled and said yes.

Then, I recalled all the people who questioned me about this trip. “What are you going to do?” “So is this a mission trip?” You’re going to teach tennis where?” Why are you going all the way to Africa?”

My response now. Tennis is the means. God is the end. My life is a mission trip.

 

Hope in the sand

Last week, I was vacationing with my family in the Caribbean, and my sister and I were frolicking on the beach, taking pictures, swimming, jumping in and out of the waves, and running along the sand. It was one of those moments of pure bliss. Then my sister began to write in the sand. She wrote “Life is beautiful.” Then took a cool picture and posted it on Instagram. Following suit, I wrote “Love” in the sand and quickly captured the picture.

Then, without much thought I began to write “Hope” in the sand next to our other words. As I was writing, a man walked by and made a comment as I was writing the word. I didn’t actually hear what he said; I just smiled and kept writing “Hope” in the sand. A few minutes later, as I was just about to snap a few pictures of my word, the same man came by again.

This time he stopped and said, “Oh, so that’s what you were writing, ‘Hope’. Can you tell me about that?”

I stood there dazed for a minute, was this man seriously asking me to explain hope? After processing his question, I began to explain hope to him, “Really, it’s simple; hope is everything. Without hope, we don’t have a reason to get up in the morning.”

He looked at me puzzled for a second, and then responded, “Where do you get your hope from?”

It was at that moment that I knew without a doubt the only answer to his question.

“God.”

We talked for another 15 minutes about God, Jesus, salvation and eternity. He asked questions about my faith, and as I answered them, I felt more and more empowered, and I knew that it wasn’t me speaking but God through me. While we were talking his young daughter nearly stepped on my sand drawing, and he stopped her saying, “No sweetie, don’t step there that’s very important. In fact, it’s everything.”

A few seconds later, I looked down and noticed the little girl writing “hope” next to my drawing. Her father smiled with tears in his eyes.

When we finished our conversation, I walked back to my lounge chair. A few minutes later the man reappeared. He apologized for bothering me again, but the words he spoke were so sincere and real as if God himself were speaking them. “You know how everything happens for a reason. I know why I came on this vacation. Not to eat good food, swim in the beach, shop, or hang out. There was a reason I was on this beach feeding these fish at this moment. That reason was to come across the “hope” in the sand. You have changed my life. Now I have a reason to keep going and keep living.”

That encounter changed my life as much as his. A reminder that even something as simple as writing in the sand can change someone’s life, and really hope is all there is. Hope for eternity, hope for a better world, hope for peace, hope for love, hope for change, hope for people, hope in God, hope for tomorrow.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13

Letter to an Unforgettable Year

Dear 2011,

What can I say? You have truly been a memorable year. We started very rocky. You brought a great deal of sadness and despair at the onset, but you ended with healing and patching of old wounds. Oh year, you brought a master’s degree, a new job, new friends, a new city, a new apartment, and a new community of coworkers, family, friends, and church members. You taught me the meaning of team and family, and you forced me to face some difficult things and move past them. 2011, I am so grateful for you. Although you started with tens of job rejections, you always knew which job was really meant for me. Although you separated me from certain people, you always knew who my real friends should be. Although you made one living situation not work out, you knew where I should really be living.

I doubted your potential 2011. I feared your days and months. I tried to escape from the passing of your calendar. But day after day passed and you persisted. Your winter brought bitter disappointment, your spring utter despair, but by summer, you brought hope, and in autumn you gave me a new life. You have been a year to remember that’s for sure. At some points, I didn’t know if I’d see you end. But I have, I’m here at your end. Wow! What a journey we have endured together. I am so grateful for you 2011. The newness that you have brought, but also the ending of old habits and sins that you have stopped. For all the doors that you have opened this year, thank you. For all the joys that I have experienced, thank you. For all of the people who you’ve brought into my life, thank you. For revealing God to me, thank you. For helping me to seek God, thank you. For completely giving my life over to Christ, thank you.

2011, thank you. For the bad days, for the tears, for the trials, for the loneliness, for the rejection, for the suffering, thank you. Without those experiences, I would never know how great life can really be.

As your time is quickly coming to an end, I look with eager anticipation at what your successor 2012 will bring. As with any year, I also know there will be bad days too. But 2011, you taught me that bad days are not Godless days. For that lesson alone, I appreciate you 2011.

Farewell and thank you; you have been a metamorphic year,

Kristen

A Dog’s Love

I was recently listening to a sermon about Mary Magdalene and how when she first encountered Jesus, she made the declaration that she “didn’t know how to love him.” However, Jesus said in return that there was nothing she could do because he already loved her. He loved her first, in return she was able to love him. When I think about this, I’m reminded of my puppy Jodie.

When I first brought her home, I wanted to love her so badly. I wanted to provide for her, and give her a nice healthy and happy home, but I couldn’t. I knew I should love her and shower her with admiration, but I couldn’t. I didn’t really know how to love her. Her first night at home, I lay on the floor and cried in frustration. I felt like I was failing my new puppy who needed to be loved. While I was lying there, she came up to me and cuddled under my arms. She loved me already. I didn’t need to do anything extraordinary to earn her love, she loved me just because. She loved me even when I couldn’t return the love to her. She would follow me around the apartment wherever I went. When I was sitting on the balcony reading, she was there. When I was cooking breakfast, she was there. When I was showering, she was right there. She never left me. Even in the times when all I wanted to do was hurl her from the balcony, she still loved me. Even in the moments when I locked her in her crate, she cried out for me and loved me then too.

I began to love that puppy immeasurably. She was comforting and supporting and dependable. I cannot even grasp how fond I was of her. Jodie taught me a valuable lesson about love, especially God’s love. I feel at times, we want to love God, but like Mary Magdalene, we just don’t know how. Like Moses, we are afraid to look at God, so we hide our faces. But he still loves us anyway. Like my little pup Jodie, God has loved me in my moments of utter despair, and he’s loved me in times of great joy. His love is unfailing, and he is always there. His love is there through the pain, through the confusion, through the chaos, through the heartache, through the panic, through all the sinfulness. Through it all, his love is always there. When we accept his love and allow him to love us completely and unconditionally, then we learn to love him in return. When we love God, we are then able to pour his love unto others.

Mary Magdalene would not have been the picture of a saint from the onset, but she allowed God’s love to enter her heart and in return, her life was transformed. Only the love of God has that transformative power. And even when all we can do is throw up our hands and say, “God, I don’t know how to love you,” His love is there for us to accept. I loved Jodie because she first loved me, and I love God because he first loved me.